You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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