Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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