Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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