My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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