i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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