Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
