she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
