Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
