Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
