Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
