she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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