I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
