this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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