I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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