things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
