She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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