i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
