hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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