He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
