Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
