my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
