I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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