So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
