come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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