she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
