just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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