There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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