Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
