threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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