my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
