ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
