There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
