guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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