Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
