So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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