i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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