Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
