And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
