We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
