it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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