I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
