i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Please don't give away my fajitas
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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