dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
