If that was your dad, he is hot
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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