dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
