I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
