my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there was a trapeze. enough said
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
