It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
