remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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