i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
