96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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