Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
