i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
