Moan for me like Helen Keller
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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