Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
